Tuesday, March 16
I found the equipment room. I found it three days ago. I can turn off the electric fences any time I choose. Any time I choose. They are still on. I am afraid. I have gotten used to this place. There is enough food to sustain me. There are books to read, instruments to play, words to write, a labyrinth to walk. I thought I hated the fences. Now they comfort me. When I had no choices, staying put was easy. Now I am afraid to leave – and angry that I am afraid.
The weather seems to be on my side -- it has been snowing for two days. I tell myself that I can’t leave when it is snowing. I should wait until the weather is warm. I should wait until the ground is reasonably dry. I want to be safe. I want to know what is outside this damn place – I am safe here. I want to remain safe. When did I become so comfortable? I have wanted to explore outside the fences. Now I am afraid. I cannot do anything while the storm rages outside my window.
Tuesday, March 23
It is still snowing. I am not terribly surprised – there have been ten, fifteen, twenty, and even thirty day snowstorms before. It makes no sense to shovel the snow until the wind stops. I have made myself a little den on the floor in front of the hearth in the living room. A sleeping bag, pillows, books, my pen and journal – even a kettle on the hook to heat water for tea. I don’t have to impress anyone – I am here alone. If I want to rest in front of the fire while the storm rages outside, then I shall.
I have decided what to do. Once the storm subsides, I will go through the house and find a good strong and sturdy knapsack. I will provision it as a day pack. In the spring, I will start at the fences on the boundaries of the cardinal directions, and walk until the sun is overhead. I will mark that place, and return. It will take some time to go a half day in each direction. Then I will rest and make notes. Then I will provision my pack for an overnight stay. I will go a full day from this place in each direction. Once that is done, I will decide if I want to go farther away in each direction. It all depends on what I find. Having a base to come back to, a place I know is safe for me, will give me courage to make the short trips into the unknown. Who knows what I might find?
©Michelle R. Owings-Christian March 15, 2015
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